( it feels like jin ling always comes in this way, like a hurricane. goes to show, he doesn't kiss harry on the cheek. so what was all that, yesterday?
he turns to find yet another cake unveiled to him, tilting his head in curiosity, although the smile on his face reads you are a silly, silly, man, a-ling. shaking his head, harry walks by him to grab a knife from the kitchen, letting out a soft, amused sigh to himself. )
Another, A-Ling? You're not really going to keep bringing me one, are you?
( where jin ling is at the sofa, harry leans against the back, angling the knife somewhat gracefully before him. he pulls it away before jin ling can grab it.
kiss tax. thank u. )
You'll have to start rolling me down the stairs when we go out.
( once all is paid and harry potter is sufficiently kissed, he lets jin ling see to cutting them each a slice, hopping over the couch with his feet kicked up. are they going to talk about yesterday? he hums, tasting something a little bitter in the air. to be fair, jin ling is more often tense than he is relaxed — in fact he's pretty sure the only time he's ever had him fully relaxed was in a room just a door away, with the lights off. harry nudges his thigh with the point of his toe. )
I said a cake a day for ten days, didn’t I? You think I’m going to back down on my sworn word?
[ Plus it made a convenient excuse to come over every night...
He paid the kiss tax with a kiss that was significantly less innocent than the one he’d given last night, and then takes the knife and cuts them both a slice. ]
I’m fine.
[ He holds out the plate for him. ]
I know last night I was- I mean I— [ Sorry is a very hard word to say. He ends up going around it. ]
It was not my proudest moment. [ A little tense. ] So don’t - I didn’t mean to act like that with your - [ help him ] - friend.
( but he says it with a smile. there are many things to love about jin ling, his intensity chief among them.
ah, they are going to talk about it. harry takes an agreeable bite of cake to make sure it's known he isn't rejecting the gift — but after then he just prods it with his fork a little, mostly intent on hearing jin ling out. )
It's alright. Honestly. Kaz is a bit — ( he wobbles his head, a little. ) intense too, actually.
I thought you were acting a little funny, though.
( he swallows. )
But I figured it was because of my post to the network. You were — upset with me? Maybe?
If a gentleman says he’s going to do something, that’s his sworn word. [ Intense or not!! ]
Kaz is a — a— [ He searches for the appropriate word, and then says with great feeling: ] A dick.
[ Look at him, learning vocabulary. He furrows his brow and picks at his own cake, dismantling it with his fork without it ever quite reaching his mouth. ]
[ Sulkily: ] He made fun of me for pacing outside your door. So what if I was ner— whatever! I don’t actually care. As long as you think he’s okay then it’s fine he just pissed me off.
I’m not upset. [ He stabbed his cake with his fork a little too aggressively. ]
I just - I wanted to actually talk to you about something and then he was here and I just looked like an idiot—
( — it's so unexpected to hear jin ling use the word dick that harry. he is abruptly pulled into a laugh, kind of a rare sight to see, gone as soon as it came. and yet, something in harry is enamored by jin ling's irritation. is it possessive? )
Yeah, that's probably fair. ( he nods. definitely a dick. ) But I do like him.
( he doesn't elaborate, like or like like. honestly, he wouldn't know what to say — he just one of those people you look at and can tell they've suffered for whatever they have now, fought their way through dirt and blood, through sweat and tears. harry can relate. he sees the same thing in jin ling.
he watches that fork, worried now that jin ling was more upset than harry had picked up on. he frowns. )
I don't think you looked like an idiot.
( and who cares what kaz thinks, he has a stick up his butt that harry is working tirelessly to unhinge. )
Why were you pacing, though? ( a little, flustered breath. ) Because I wanted to moonlace with other people? Because — because I told you, it's. I mean, it is different —
I know it is. [ A little quickly, his frown deepening. But I do like him. It’s the only word they’ve ever used, too, and it feels hollow suddenly. Like maybe he was lying, before, when that was all he would admit to. He drags white chocolate and raspberry across his plate. ]
Even if it wasn’t different, it’s not like I have any right to be upset. I mean you said it yourself. I get chroma from a lot of places.
[ He sounds a little miserable. ]
Even if it wasn’t just you being cute wanting to hold hands with people, I know it isn’t my place to take any issue with that. That’s not -
[ He was getting frustrated again. He forced out a breath. ]
( he frowns again, thick brows knotted in thought. he honestly wouldn't have minded if jin ling insisted harry only be with him — he would've agreed, was prepared to agree, figuring that's what he wanted. he really isn't capable of telling anyone no, like he hasn't yet earned that right in his lifetime. he tries to think, if this is maybe one of those times when jin ling says something but means something else.
it's too hard to think around it in his mind. harry shakes his head, sitting up a little straighter. )
He put the plate down and then made a frustrated sound, putting his face in his hands for a second. Pull it together, Jin Ling!! So what if he rejects you!! It’s better to know now than later!! ]
( comparatively quietly, harry sets his plate down as well, trying to scoot closer to jin ling without disturbing him too much. still, his brow remains furrowed, thoughts scrambled eggs. a heads up? )
If I — moonlace with someone? You want to know about it?
( he clears his throat, a little thickly. )
That's fine. But, then, you do have a problem with it? ( he tries, very languidly, to put his arm around jin ling's shoulders. ) You can tell me, if you do. I won't get mad.
[ He doesn’t avoid the embrace but he doesn’t take his face out of his hands either. He wishes the ground would just open up and swallow him whole. ]
I don’t have a problem!! I am not allowed to have a problem!
[ He finally sits up with a sudden motion and then immediate reaches for his hair, clumsily trying to get one of the two remaining threads of gold beads out of it but too flustered to get at the latch correctly. ]
You’ve got no reason to keep hanging out with me, you know!! You think I don’t know that? What if you’re only— what if you end up with more- more friends- and then you don’t really need me anymore and — ugh why won’t this think come loose!!
( he's slower to rise, but follows suit afterwards, watching jin ling struggle for a moment before just. settling firm hands on his forearms, grip a little too tight purposely, to better get jin ling's attention. his gaze is imploring, desperate, and —
sad. )
You think ... I would replace you? You think I could?
( it's never been a point of contention for harry — there would be a benefit in jin ling moving on, leaving him, and it's in the name of avoiding inevitable heartbreak. the deeper and madder harry falls for him only gives him more reason to turn tail and run.
but harry ... the idea of moving on from anything is just —
he's sad, for a moment. how could you? written across his face, the wrinkles of his brows. you think so little of me?
but then his expression steels, like a piece of paper engulfed in flame, and his grip is still hard but it's warm at the same time. stern, but loving. )
Don't — shut up. Don't say anything.
I have obviously not made myself clear to you, so just listen.
The network post — that was nothing. This, us? This is not nothing. I don't — ( he shakes his head, frustrated at himself. ) I don't know how to tell you how I feel about you. It's not that simple for me. But it is real. I — ( he huffs ) How can I convince you? What do you need from me? You want me to rearrange the stars? Carve your name in my chest? What will it take?
[ He blinked in surprise when he was grabbed, looking a little stupid where his hands were half tangled in the gold thread and his hair, but it was effective at grabbing his attention.
At the question - no, more because of the look on Harry’s face - a flash of guilt crosses Jin Ling’s own, and he opens his mouth to protest before Harry tells him to shut up. His mouth snaps shut, and he listens, for once, but then his eyebrows tighten and his expression sharpens and he actually pulls out of Harry’s grip. ]
Don’t joke! If you even tried that I’d smack the blade right out of your hand!
I don’t need stupid gestures for you to hurt yourself! I just!!
[ He finally just grabs the thing and tears it out of his hair, with some of his hair along with it. Oops. Whatever!!
He angrily snatches the strands out from between the gold, and then holds it out with a huff. ]
( it stands to reason that nothing will ever go smoothly between them — it's just how they are. harry lets him go but keeps his gaze sharp on him, not entirely sure where this interaction is go, where it was ever meant to go. he makes a move to stop jin ling from ripping his hair out, arm half extended in the middle of the motion when jin ling just goes through with it anyway, pressing something gold and shiny into his hand.
it gives harry pause, rolling the bead around in his palm. he knew jin ling was worried about gifts for whatever reason, but this ...
it feels profoundly more important than that. he keeps his hand open as he turns to look back at jin ling, eyes flickering between each of his. )
It doesn’t mean anything on its own, [ He said little tightly. He fidgeted for a few seconds before stepping forward and taking the thing back, but only to unfurl the thing and wrap it around Harry’s wrist, instead. ]
But if you decide it does mean something, then what it means is that - is that you’re mine, and everyone will know you’re mine, and that’ll mean I’m yours, too.
[ He’s muttering this. And fiddling way too much with the golden thread as he tries to find the Perfect way to get it on and also have and excuse not to be looking at Harry’s face. ]
I only have three. I gave one to Sizhui. I’m going to give the third one to Yuri. I thought I could do this whole - this whole modern casual thing with friends thing but I can’t, I hate it, I hate not knowing what I’m supposed to be to you or what you’re supposed to be to me and I know I don’t - I know I don’t have the right to ask for anything and that just makes it worse and I’m tired of being worried that I don’t know how to do anything without hurting anyone so whatever I’m just -
[ He finally drops Harry’s wrist and then just kind of glares at him, a deep embarrassed flush darkening his face. ]
I love you, okay? [ It comes out more defensively than anything else. ] that’s what that means. Because even if you don’t want it and you throw it out I’m still going to!
( he lets jin ling speak — his breath goes as he carries on, jaw clenched as jin ling fusses with the thread, watching starkly where gold glitters against his skin. it's too much, almost. his words, the tickle i love you leaves in the burn of his throat. there isn't a single person alive who's ever said that to him. even most of the dead ones never bothered.
but jin ling. he. )
You shouldn't.
( harry says this grimly, thinking himself brave enough to not cry, but the waters come up anyway, burning his eyes. he blinks once, and then shuts his eyes hard, trying to keep from spilling over. )
I.
( love. so close. but harry's going to die, and it's almost like a joke of life to dangle jin ling before him right at the end. he wouldn't be surprised if the moon sent him home tomorrow, just to really sell the punch line . )
I ruin everything, Jin Ling. I'll ruin you too. ( it was easier when it was unspoken — the very idea that had jin ling give him the thread is the same that kept harry calm all this time. ) There's — there's so much you don't know. You wouldn't ... I'm not —
I'm not worthy.
( he brings the hand up, rubs the thread against his eyes. he's only had it a moment, but he's fiercely protective already. let jin ling's love turn to hate. but let him keep the proof that love was there once, before harry destroyed it. )
[ The only reason Jin Ling doesn’t shove Harry is because he catches sight of that rim of moisture before he can. His hands ball into fists at his side instead, something very close to fury washing over him.
Not at Harry. For Harry. And whatever fucked up world let him believe this. ]
What, you think I don’t know you? [ He asked, almost a snap. ] You think I don’t see it, when you constantly put literally everyone and everything in the world in front of yourself?
Where the world has treated you so badly that you think you deserve it?
[ His voice started to raise a little. ]
Go on then! Tell me I can’t! List all your sins out, one by one! Because you could tell me that you killed my parents, that you set up my entire life to lose everyone I care about, and I still wouldn’t be able to stop!
[ He still loves his uncle. despite everything. Despite how much he hates himself for it. ]
So go and tell me what’s worse than that. Go on and tell me why you don’t deserve love from everyone on this whole damn planet and I will tell you that you’re wrong!
( it's not that harry is explicitly bad. on the contrary, he tries harder than anyone will ever know to be good. but — his fate is as clear as the markings written on the front of jin ling's snitch. i open at the end, because the end will come, because asking for any measure of goodness before that end is
selfish. jin ling would've been better off to have never met him.
he looks a little hopeless for a second, letting his hand fall back down to his side. he cries about as often as he laughs — because at this point there's so little that can even hurt him, anymore. death is almost a kindness.
but then there's jin ling. )
The man ( he steadies himself, and the crying stops. his gaze goes distant, cold. ) who killed my parents. Voldemort. There's a piece of him inside me.
( he shrugs. )
We both speak to snakes. Our wands are sisters. I, ( he cringes a little, reaching his hand up to touch his scar. ) I've seen him do terrible things, things I can't forget, like I was doing them. There's a reason for that.
His soul is in me. And that means — ( finally, he looks at jin ling. not with a gaze on fire, not with any amount of ferocity or passion. it's just defeat. harry forfeited his life a long time ago. ) we can kill him a hundred times over, but he'll never be truly defeated until I'm dead.
That's why. If you love me, then you love a corpse.
His fists tighten so sharply he feels the nails dig into his palms. ]
Oh, do I? [ He challenged. ] Pretty sure at worst I love a cursed, possibly slightly possessed idiot.
[ He steps forward, his face still flushed with anger, his posture defiant. At least this is easier than being nervous. Anger is a feeling he is well equipped for. ]
Do you know how many of my family here are dead back home? Do you think because he’s dead my dad doesn’t deserve to get a chance to know his son while he’s here? Huh?
So you’re going to die in some - in some stupid tragic effort to save a world that doesn’t deserve you - [ Ah, see, now he’s the one crying. ] So what! So what’s your point! I’m going to die too! Even worse I’ll go home to a world where you won’t even exist for a thousand years and won’t remembee a thing about you!
So, what? Just don’t do any of it? So were you just saying what you thought I wanted to hear, before?
( there's a spark of life in the hollow of green eyes — he doesn't like to see jin ling cry, of course he doesn't. harry feels a tremble in the flex of his calloused, lanky hands. jin ling really does love him. because — no one has ever said things like this to him, before. no one ever gave him a choice in becoming the chosen one. no one ever talked about deserving, because no one especially cared. sure, harry made headlines and papers. the boy who lived, the boy who lied. people cared as long as it filled up gossip columns but as far as harry the person goes?
anyone who ever really cared about him died. except hagrid.
so the odds are not particularly in jin ling's favor. harry takes a deep breath before he steps tentatively forward, arms outstretched slowly so jin ling can refuse him if he wants. his hands flatten on the sides of wet cheeks and bend as harry draws their chests in to touch, holding him closely. )
No.
( he hasn't lied about his feelings. he takes a breath, moving to touch their foreheads together. )
I just wanted to believe you'd forget me eventually. And that I wouldn't hurt you.
( his lets out a breath, shaky as it is. his eyes screw shut. harry can see how his logic makes sense — but it makes sense for everyone who isn't harry potter. )
I'm. A-Ling. ( he swallows. ) I'm sorry. I tried to pretend I didn't love you, but I do. I do.
[ He doesn’t stop him, because at his core Jin Ling would never be able to stop anyone - so desperate for the rare acts of comfort that he can’t resist it. He presses his face into Harry’s shoulder, tense and taut. ]
You’re so stupid. [ Muttered into Harry’s shirt but his voice is thick and there are slight damp patches on Harry’s shoulder now. He hadn’t quite realized how much it had bothered him that he’d confessed and Harry hadn’t until the words but I do slipped from the boy’s mouth. ]
Haven’t you figured that out yet? Everyone gets burned. Everyone. What’s the point of giving up the good when it’s not going to save anyone in the end anyway?
[ This was the conclusion he’d come to after that prolonged agony of restless thought. ]
( he understands it as feeling come back into his arms, emotions back into his heart. he winds himself around jin ling and it's not until a breath later that he realizes he's actively crushing him, holding him tight enough that he might never let go.
again, )
I love you.
( it's said a little bewildered. sure, no one has ever said it to harry. but harry — has also never said it to anyone else, either. )
You're right.
( if there's one thing the two of them can always rely on, it's pain. they were always going to hurt each other. they might as well enjoy it all before the pain seeps in between the cracks, right?
it's hard for harry to admit to anything that gives him any measure of happiness. but — it's easier when jin ling is in his arms, convincing him. turning his head, harry rests his forehead on the side of jin ling's ear, talking directly to him. )
I'm keeping it forever. It's always going to be mine. The moon can pry it out of my hands.
[ There’s no sound at first. Just the slight shaking as Jin Ling’s angry shield broke, leaving him just overwhelmed and raw instead, for some reason unable to hear the words he was literally fighting for without just being completely knocked out by it.
He tries to stop crying, but the most he can do it choke the sound down, even as it makes his shoulders shake and the dampness on Harry’s shoulder spread. He feels so tired suddenly, unable to quite even appreciate he relief.
He sucks in a deep breath and forces himself to turn his head, to press a slightly shaky kiss to Harry’s throat. Just don’t call him on it.
He doesn’t know what to say, so instead he wraps his hand around Harry’s wrist, squeezing the golden beaded thread now turned bracelet tighter in against Harry’s skin.
Right. The moons.
He sniffs, pulls back, rubs his nose, dropped his eyes. Motions for the gold. ]
If they try, that’ll disappear. So at l least as long as you have it, you’ll know I’m still here.
( close now, with jin ling leaning against him, harry lets his grip loosen so his hands can map out the back of his skull and the curve of his spine, lanky fingers treading the silky water of pinstripe black hair. it figures that something that should be a happy moment is littered with tears that harry demanded, his own issues getting in front of how important he thinks jin ling's feeling are.
when he leans back, harry cups his cheek, head tilted. )
... Oh. ( oh, his eyes go to the thread. ) I hadn't thought about that.
( so how good will the gift he's planning on providing jin ling be, in the long run? if hermione was here, she would've thought of this before, but obviously harry hadn't.
shit. a little. )
Well, I'm not giving it back, if you leave. And I'm taking it with me when I go. Whenever that is. ( he levels jin ling with a soft, sadder smile. they were always promised to be tragic. ) Hopefully a long time from now.
I didn't even know until Sizhui reminded me. [ Muttered quietly. ] I'll - I'll get you something more permanent, too, but I - I wanted you to have something of mine. First.
[ He couldn't quite look at that smile, not knowing what was under it. Either of them going home was sad enough. The fact that Harry was convinced he was going home to die was much worse. ]
It better be a long time. I'll break one of the moons myself, if I have to. I don't - I don't ever want to leave.
[ It was near treason for him to say that, knowing the duty he owed Lanling. Knowing the life he owed them. But it was hard not to want to stay here, with his family. With people he loved. When he was in love.
The last question finally gets him to meet Harry's gaze, and his own expression reads with the knowledge of their inherent tragedy, but a deep set defiance, too. ]
Exactly what did I say in the last ten minutes that would make you think you ever have to ask that again? Of course you can kiss me.
( it means less, coming from him. he doesn't want to die. he doesn't want to be hunted by a wicked wizard. he wants to live in prisma where no one knows his name, where no one's ever heard of a death eater, where jin ling is for the time being. he never wants to be anywhere else.
he smiles again — it's a little more genuine. jin ling's cheeks are still wet with his tears, so harry rubs his thumbs under the smooth patch of skin just beneath his eyes, curling up on the height of his cheekbones. love. it's — strange to feel it, for another human being. he feels a little lightheaded, and like his fingertips have gone numb, and he wonders if that's because of the adrenaline simmering out in his veins, or because of the butterflies making a vacation spot out of the pit of his stomach.
regardless, he does follow through on that question, tilting his head to kiss him, something slow and melancholy — a kiss that could last for hours, if he'd let it, because every minute now feels ... precious. numbered.
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( it feels like jin ling always comes in this way, like a hurricane. goes to show, he doesn't kiss harry on the cheek. so what was all that, yesterday?
he turns to find yet another cake unveiled to him, tilting his head in curiosity, although the smile on his face reads you are a silly, silly, man, a-ling. shaking his head, harry walks by him to grab a knife from the kitchen, letting out a soft, amused sigh to himself. )
Another, A-Ling? You're not really going to keep bringing me one, are you?
( where jin ling is at the sofa, harry leans against the back, angling the knife somewhat gracefully before him. he pulls it away before jin ling can grab it.
kiss tax. thank u. )
You'll have to start rolling me down the stairs when we go out.
( once all is paid and harry potter is sufficiently kissed, he lets jin ling see to cutting them each a slice, hopping over the couch with his feet kicked up. are they going to talk about yesterday? he hums, tasting something a little bitter in the air. to be fair, jin ling is more often tense than he is relaxed — in fact he's pretty sure the only time he's ever had him fully relaxed was in a room just a door away, with the lights off. harry nudges his thigh with the point of his toe. )
You alright, then?
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[ Plus it made a convenient excuse to come over every night...
He paid the kiss tax with a kiss that was significantly less innocent than the one he’d given last night, and then takes the knife and cuts them both a slice. ]
I’m fine.
[ He holds out the plate for him. ]
I know last night I was- I mean I— [ Sorry is a very hard word to say. He ends up going around it. ]
It was not my proudest moment. [ A little tense. ] So don’t - I didn’t mean to act like that with your - [ help him ] - friend.
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( but he says it with a smile. there are many things to love about jin ling, his intensity chief among them.
ah, they are going to talk about it. harry takes an agreeable bite of cake to make sure it's known he isn't rejecting the gift — but after then he just prods it with his fork a little, mostly intent on hearing jin ling out. )
It's alright. Honestly. Kaz is a bit — ( he wobbles his head, a little. ) intense too, actually.
I thought you were acting a little funny, though.
( he swallows. )
But I figured it was because of my post to the network. You were — upset with me? Maybe?
( he is also Trying )
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Kaz is a — a— [ He searches for the appropriate word, and then says with great feeling: ] A dick.
[ Look at him, learning vocabulary. He furrows his brow and picks at his own cake, dismantling it with his fork without it ever quite reaching his mouth. ]
[ Sulkily: ] He made fun of me for pacing outside your door. So what if I was ner— whatever! I don’t actually care. As long as you think he’s okay then it’s fine he just pissed me off.
I’m not upset. [ He stabbed his cake with his fork a little too aggressively. ]
I just - I wanted to actually talk to you about something and then he was here and I just looked like an idiot—
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Yeah, that's probably fair. ( he nods. definitely a dick. ) But I do like him.
( he doesn't elaborate, like or like like. honestly, he wouldn't know what to say — he just one of those people you look at and can tell they've suffered for whatever they have now, fought their way through dirt and blood, through sweat and tears. harry can relate. he sees the same thing in jin ling.
he watches that fork, worried now that jin ling was more upset than harry had picked up on. he frowns. )
I don't think you looked like an idiot.
( and who cares what kaz thinks, he has a stick up his butt that harry is working tirelessly to unhinge. )
Why were you pacing, though? ( a little, flustered breath. ) Because I wanted to moonlace with other people? Because — because I told you, it's. I mean, it is different —
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Even if it wasn’t different, it’s not like I have any right to be upset. I mean you said it yourself. I get chroma from a lot of places.
[ He sounds a little miserable. ]
Even if it wasn’t just you being cute wanting to hold hands with people, I know it isn’t my place to take any issue with that. That’s not -
[ He was getting frustrated again. He forced out a breath. ]
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( he frowns again, thick brows knotted in thought. he honestly wouldn't have minded if jin ling insisted harry only be with him — he would've agreed, was prepared to agree, figuring that's what he wanted. he really isn't capable of telling anyone no, like he hasn't yet earned that right in his lifetime. he tries to think, if this is maybe one of those times when jin ling says something but means something else.
it's too hard to think around it in his mind. harry shakes his head, sitting up a little straighter. )
... Well, what is it, then?
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He put the plate down and then made a frustrated sound, putting his face in his hands for a second. Pull it together, Jin Ling!! So what if he rejects you!! It’s better to know now than later!! ]
I just want to get a heads up, maybe.
[ Mumbled into his hands. ]
I- I want to have the right to a heads up.
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If I — moonlace with someone? You want to know about it?
( he clears his throat, a little thickly. )
That's fine. But, then, you do have a problem with it? ( he tries, very languidly, to put his arm around jin ling's shoulders. ) You can tell me, if you do. I won't get mad.
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I don’t have a problem!! I am not allowed to have a problem!
[ He finally sits up with a sudden motion and then immediate reaches for his hair, clumsily trying to get one of the two remaining threads of gold beads out of it but too flustered to get at the latch correctly. ]
You’ve got no reason to keep hanging out with me, you know!! You think I don’t know that? What if you’re only— what if you end up with more- more friends- and then you don’t really need me anymore and — ugh why won’t this think come loose!!
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sad. )
You think ... I would replace you? You think I could?
( it's never been a point of contention for harry — there would be a benefit in jin ling moving on, leaving him, and it's in the name of avoiding inevitable heartbreak. the deeper and madder harry falls for him only gives him more reason to turn tail and run.
but harry ... the idea of moving on from anything is just —
he's sad, for a moment. how could you? written across his face, the wrinkles of his brows. you think so little of me?
but then his expression steels, like a piece of paper engulfed in flame, and his grip is still hard but it's warm at the same time. stern, but loving. )
Don't — shut up. Don't say anything.
I have obviously not made myself clear to you, so just listen.
The network post — that was nothing. This, us? This is not nothing. I don't — ( he shakes his head, frustrated at himself. ) I don't know how to tell you how I feel about you. It's not that simple for me. But it is real. I — ( he huffs ) How can I convince you? What do you need from me? You want me to rearrange the stars? Carve your name in my chest? What will it take?
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At the question - no, more because of the look on Harry’s face - a flash of guilt crosses Jin Ling’s own, and he opens his mouth to protest before Harry tells him to shut up. His mouth snaps shut, and he listens, for once, but then his eyebrows tighten and his expression sharpens and he actually pulls out of Harry’s grip. ]
Don’t joke! If you even tried that I’d smack the blade right out of your hand!
I don’t need stupid gestures for you to hurt yourself! I just!!
[ He finally just grabs the thing and tears it out of his hair, with some of his hair along with it. Oops. Whatever!!
He angrily snatches the strands out from between the gold, and then holds it out with a huff. ]
Just take this, then!
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it gives harry pause, rolling the bead around in his palm. he knew jin ling was worried about gifts for whatever reason, but this ...
it feels profoundly more important than that. he keeps his hand open as he turns to look back at jin ling, eyes flickering between each of his. )
... What does it mean?
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But if you decide it does mean something, then what it means is that - is that you’re mine, and everyone will know you’re mine, and that’ll mean I’m yours, too.
[ He’s muttering this. And fiddling way too much with the golden thread as he tries to find the Perfect way to get it on and also have and excuse not to be looking at Harry’s face. ]
I only have three. I gave one to Sizhui. I’m going to give the third one to Yuri. I thought I could do this whole - this whole modern casual thing with friends thing but I can’t, I hate it, I hate not knowing what I’m supposed to be to you or what you’re supposed to be to me and I know I don’t - I know I don’t have the right to ask for anything and that just makes it worse and I’m tired of being worried that I don’t know how to do anything without hurting anyone so whatever I’m just -
[ He finally drops Harry’s wrist and then just kind of glares at him, a deep embarrassed flush darkening his face. ]
I love you, okay? [ It comes out more defensively than anything else. ] that’s what that means. Because even if you don’t want it and you throw it out I’m still going to!
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but jin ling. he. )
You shouldn't.
( harry says this grimly, thinking himself brave enough to not cry, but the waters come up anyway, burning his eyes. he blinks once, and then shuts his eyes hard, trying to keep from spilling over. )
I.
( love. so close. but harry's going to die, and it's almost like a joke of life to dangle jin ling before him right at the end. he wouldn't be surprised if the moon sent him home tomorrow, just to really sell the punch line . )
I ruin everything, Jin Ling. I'll ruin you too. ( it was easier when it was unspoken — the very idea that had jin ling give him the thread is the same that kept harry calm all this time. ) There's — there's so much you don't know. You wouldn't ... I'm not —
I'm not worthy.
( he brings the hand up, rubs the thread against his eyes. he's only had it a moment, but he's fiercely protective already. let jin ling's love turn to hate. but let him keep the proof that love was there once, before harry destroyed it. )
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Not at Harry. For Harry. And whatever fucked up world let him believe this. ]
What, you think I don’t know you? [ He asked, almost a snap. ] You think I don’t see it, when you constantly put literally everyone and everything in the world in front of yourself?
Where the world has treated you so badly that you think you deserve it?
[ His voice started to raise a little. ]
Go on then! Tell me I can’t! List all your sins out, one by one! Because you could tell me that you killed my parents, that you set up my entire life to lose everyone I care about, and I still wouldn’t be able to stop!
[ He still loves his uncle. despite everything. Despite how much he hates himself for it. ]
So go and tell me what’s worse than that. Go on and tell me why you don’t deserve love from everyone on this whole damn planet and I will tell you that you’re wrong!
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selfish. jin ling would've been better off to have never met him.
he looks a little hopeless for a second, letting his hand fall back down to his side. he cries about as often as he laughs — because at this point there's so little that can even hurt him, anymore. death is almost a kindness.
but then there's jin ling. )
The man ( he steadies himself, and the crying stops. his gaze goes distant, cold. ) who killed my parents. Voldemort. There's a piece of him inside me.
( he shrugs. )
We both speak to snakes. Our wands are sisters. I, ( he cringes a little, reaching his hand up to touch his scar. ) I've seen him do terrible things, things I can't forget, like I was doing them. There's a reason for that.
His soul is in me. And that means — ( finally, he looks at jin ling. not with a gaze on fire, not with any amount of ferocity or passion. it's just defeat. harry forfeited his life a long time ago. ) we can kill him a hundred times over, but he'll never be truly defeated until I'm dead.
That's why. If you love me, then you love a corpse.
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His fists tighten so sharply he feels the nails dig into his palms. ]
Oh, do I? [ He challenged. ] Pretty sure at worst I love a cursed, possibly slightly possessed idiot.
[ He steps forward, his face still flushed with anger, his posture defiant. At least this is easier than being nervous. Anger is a feeling he is well equipped for. ]
Do you know how many of my family here are dead back home? Do you think because he’s dead my dad doesn’t deserve to get a chance to know his son while he’s here? Huh?
So you’re going to die in some - in some stupid tragic effort to save a world that doesn’t deserve you - [ Ah, see, now he’s the one crying. ] So what! So what’s your point! I’m going to die too! Even worse I’ll go home to a world where you won’t even exist for a thousand years and won’t remembee a thing about you!
So, what? Just don’t do any of it? So were you just saying what you thought I wanted to hear, before?
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anyone who ever really cared about him died. except hagrid.
so the odds are not particularly in jin ling's favor. harry takes a deep breath before he steps tentatively forward, arms outstretched slowly so jin ling can refuse him if he wants. his hands flatten on the sides of wet cheeks and bend as harry draws their chests in to touch, holding him closely. )
No.
( he hasn't lied about his feelings. he takes a breath, moving to touch their foreheads together. )
I just wanted to believe you'd forget me eventually. And that I wouldn't hurt you.
( his lets out a breath, shaky as it is. his eyes screw shut. harry can see how his logic makes sense — but it makes sense for everyone who isn't harry potter. )
I'm. A-Ling. ( he swallows. ) I'm sorry. I tried to pretend I didn't love you, but I do. I do.
It's going to burn you so badly, one day.
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You’re so stupid. [ Muttered into Harry’s shirt but his voice is thick and there are slight damp patches on Harry’s shoulder now. He hadn’t quite realized how much it had bothered him that he’d confessed and Harry hadn’t until the words but I do slipped from the boy’s mouth. ]
Haven’t you figured that out yet? Everyone gets burned. Everyone. What’s the point of giving up the good when it’s not going to save anyone in the end anyway?
[ This was the conclusion he’d come to after that prolonged agony of restless thought. ]
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again, )
I love you.
( it's said a little bewildered. sure, no one has ever said it to harry. but harry — has also never said it to anyone else, either. )
You're right.
( if there's one thing the two of them can always rely on, it's pain. they were always going to hurt each other. they might as well enjoy it all before the pain seeps in between the cracks, right?
it's hard for harry to admit to anything that gives him any measure of happiness. but — it's easier when jin ling is in his arms, convincing him. turning his head, harry rests his forehead on the side of jin ling's ear, talking directly to him. )
I'm keeping it forever. It's always going to be mine. The moon can pry it out of my hands.
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He tries to stop crying, but the most he can do it choke the sound down, even as it makes his shoulders shake and the dampness on Harry’s shoulder spread. He feels so tired suddenly, unable to quite even appreciate he relief.
He sucks in a deep breath and forces himself to turn his head, to press a slightly shaky kiss to Harry’s throat. Just don’t call him on it.
He doesn’t know what to say, so instead he wraps his hand around Harry’s wrist, squeezing the golden beaded thread now turned bracelet tighter in against Harry’s skin.
Right. The moons.
He sniffs, pulls back, rubs his nose, dropped his eyes. Motions for the gold. ]
If they try, that’ll disappear. So at l least as long as you have it, you’ll know I’m still here.
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when he leans back, harry cups his cheek, head tilted. )
... Oh. ( oh, his eyes go to the thread. ) I hadn't thought about that.
( so how good will the gift he's planning on providing jin ling be, in the long run? if hermione was here, she would've thought of this before, but obviously harry hadn't.
shit. a little. )
Well, I'm not giving it back, if you leave. And I'm taking it with me when I go. Whenever that is. ( he levels jin ling with a soft, sadder smile. they were always promised to be tragic. ) Hopefully a long time from now.
Can I kiss you?
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[ He couldn't quite look at that smile, not knowing what was under it. Either of them going home was sad enough. The fact that Harry was convinced he was going home to die was much worse. ]
It better be a long time. I'll break one of the moons myself, if I have to. I don't - I don't ever want to leave.
[ It was near treason for him to say that, knowing the duty he owed Lanling. Knowing the life he owed them. But it was hard not to want to stay here, with his family. With people he loved. When he was in love.
The last question finally gets him to meet Harry's gaze, and his own expression reads with the knowledge of their inherent tragedy, but a deep set defiance, too. ]
Exactly what did I say in the last ten minutes that would make you think you ever have to ask that again? Of course you can kiss me.
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( it means less, coming from him. he doesn't want to die. he doesn't want to be hunted by a wicked wizard. he wants to live in prisma where no one knows his name, where no one's ever heard of a death eater, where jin ling is for the time being. he never wants to be anywhere else.
he smiles again — it's a little more genuine. jin ling's cheeks are still wet with his tears, so harry rubs his thumbs under the smooth patch of skin just beneath his eyes, curling up on the height of his cheekbones. love. it's — strange to feel it, for another human being. he feels a little lightheaded, and like his fingertips have gone numb, and he wonders if that's because of the adrenaline simmering out in his veins, or because of the butterflies making a vacation spot out of the pit of his stomach.
regardless, he does follow through on that question, tilting his head to kiss him, something slow and melancholy — a kiss that could last for hours, if he'd let it, because every minute now feels ... precious. numbered.
like the last they'll ever have. )
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